Kind of Like the Ice Cream Man Only Dirtier, More Belligerent, and Not Selling Ice Cream

This is Rachel Johnson. She has a very funny blog here. I met her in high school, when she sort of took over Life As I Knew It, and asked me to live a little. Rachel is funny, and honest, and the only person I know who can put together a work appropriate outfit for $2.76. I asked her to guest blog  because I want the world to hear her voice. 


You know how when you're a kid and you still have virginal ears that can hear the ice cream truck 7 blocks away? And you run inside in a mad tizzy, frantically trying to scrape together $1 in change for some frozen confection of pure bliss? And you run down the sidewalk because you're afraid he won't see you and he'll turn on another street and you won't get an ice cream sandwich and you might very nearly die?

That's a lot like adulthood in our neighborhood, only Ice Cream Man has been replaced by Skeezy Random Dude. And instead of an actual ice cream truck, he has a beat up freezer strapped down in the back of his pickup truck. And instead of dispensing ice cold lovelies from a semi-sanitary environment, he's hawking questionable meat products whose origins are unknown. And instead of running to him like a child to its mother, you quickly retreat into your home and shut the blinds and pretend you're not home when he knocks.

This is a lesson learned one evening when we heard a loud banging on the door. Thinking a neighbor's house was on fire given the intense pounding our door was taking, we rush over only to find a dirty man in sloppy clothes asking, "YOU LIKE MEAT?"

Given the smoldering grill on our front porch we enjoy barbecued flesh just as much as the next cavemen and were slightly confused at his oversight. "Yes? We just...ate...some?"

"I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME BEFORE AND I SELL MEAT DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME MEAT?" 

Why he felt the need to yell run-on sentences at us we didn't know. "Well, we just ate."

"I'VE GOT TOP QUALITY BEEF IN MY FREEZER AND I'M ALMOST DONE FOR THE NIGHT AND IT'S JUST GOING TO GO TO WASTE IT'S GREAT QUALITY I DON'T OFFER THIS TO EVERYONE IT'S TOP QUALITY AND IT'S REAL CHEAP."

"No, thanks. We just did our grocery shopping and bought all of our meat."

At this point he makes it clear that we've lost our ever lovin' minds for not wanting to purchase highly questionable mystery meat from a grungy stranger. I find it hard to eat the food at office parties, food brought by coworkers, and I've known them for three years. 

We see him still driving around, hustling his wares, offering untold bacterial infections to all who will partake. You can keep your high quality gut bombs. I'll hold out for neatly packaged, unadulterated ice cream.